If you are not him, I guess you can read it too. I can't stop you :/
I left work early today because I couldn't stop crying thinking about you. My sister had texted me about a show that was going to be at Will's, and I told her I couldn't go back to Will's anymore. I got so depressed after we went to a show mid-August because it made me miss you so much.
It feels so stupid to miss you. Sometimes in my head I still think of you as my partner. It's not that it ended that is fucked, I had already proposed the idea of breaking up. It was just the execution. Dating horrified me, because betrayal horrified me. I didn't want to make a mistake and be with someone who wasn't honest, or take advantage of me, or would hurt me. I wish I wasn't so quick to ask you out and got to know you better, then I think I would've known how much of a coward you are. I guess I was too romantic in hoping I would be one of those "one and done" late bloomers. I wanted so badly to be someone that found thier true love in the first try. Regardless of my naivety, I don't think I deserved to be broken up with over the phone. Not when it was almost our second anniversary. Not when I was almost 30.
We even talked about it before. How shitty it is to break up with someone when it's not face to face. I remember rereading that text when I reread everything after the break up. I remember you saying you had to do it to Emma since it was long distance. I also remember you saying the reason you broke up with her was because it got boring, telling me this completely unprompted over hot pot during the Apl/Jared birthday weekend. I wish you never told me that. It has me thinking about what you tell people why we broke up, and why you won't fucking tell me.
I spent so much of our relationship trying to get you to open up and be honest. I tried to be patient. I tried to understand you and understand your friends. I don't think we're soul mates, not now that the distance has been drawn and mapped. But there were times where it really really felt like we were. I think you got to understand me pretty well, because I let you. I don't think it was fair you didn't let me do the same. Some times I think about how if we were at a party or a social gathering of sorts, you sometimes felt foreign with the way you talked to other people. I liked it best when we met someone people would call aquaintences before they call friends. You seemed genuine when you'd briefly catch up with those people, you would actually introduce me to those people. I actually felt like a person involved with the conversation in those people. I think sometimes about the few times I met Jer, or Marc, or other musicians in other bands, and you never ever introduced me to those people.
There were so many instances where I felt like I was never suppose to be there, I expressed this to you many times. I don't know if I can blame you for any of those moments. I don't know if I should've expected you to try harder to help me feel included. I think I wanted that a little, but I don't remember having that desire strongly. Maybe I knew that you would've done it already if you could've. That sentence feels harsh but I'm not going to backspace it. I will reiterate, I don't think you should've been expected. I feel a lot of that falls on me and my inability to feel human and interact with people personably and normal. Please note I started sobbing typing that last sentence. I hate this about me so much, and I think that what I was really trying to express when I would mention how hard it was to feel like I fit in. Because thinking about it now, any one of your friends could've made the effort to befriend me, but they didn't And I think it's my fault.
No matter what I'll randomly be mad about on a random day, in reality its just filling in the holes. The only think I'm mad about is the cowardance to not face me. There's this documentary you should watch, called "The Artist is Present". I think you should watch that if you're not going to talk to me about how you felt the last year of the relationship, and tell me what you think about it. If I can't get closure, or any ounce of understanding of what happened, then I want to at least want to know your opinion on that art piece.
A note; I don't care how much closure will hurt. I keep being advised by people that I shouldn't keep insiting on it and to be thankful for the vagueness, but I didn't lose my virginity at 27 to be broken up over the fucking phone.
Love, despite the bombs, Sissy.
(another note, I think you should make a neocity for your music)