Okay. Nov 5. 2023.

I have been wanting to make a comic about expressing the bullshit I had to put up with when dating my ex. Most of the anguish isn't even with him, its his friends. I met the most insufferable bitches when I was with him. I want to do a comic in a high school setting, because this shit was real high school bullshit. I also been wanting to vent about how mistreated I was by "friends" in high school. Right now my anger at the more recent events is outweighing the hs memories. But I think I can merge them together. I also want to do a story with dark room photography involved. Besides band, it was the only thing I did in hs. If it is in this story too, we'll see. Any way thats all for right now. Trying to figure out this code calmed me down a lot lmao.

I also wanna overhaul this site. I want to upload some non-Jude and MAria comics. I want a landing page that is an image that if you clock on certain things in the image, it'll take you to a comic. Then there'll be a hidden spot to click to find this blog. kinda like a hidden objects puzzle, y'know. I have a lot of ideas of things I wannd do and make, I just hardly have the energy anymore. I'm going to try to get stronger so I can keep creating.

Nov 8 2023.

Called out of work today. I feel like I'm going insane. I spent the past few days just being upset at G. It's just hard to think he's already moving on, and I'm still stuck here. It's been six months though, I should be better. Tomorrow night there's a movie I want to see and a free show at the bar, but I have been so panicky I don't think I can manage going. It's also annoying things happen on Thursdays. I need to get stronger so I have energy to do things besides go to work. I need to not pass out as soon as I get home so I can make things. I want to sew more, I want to mess with rpg maker again, I want to make comics.

Nov 25 2023.

Been really angry the past few weeks, and let myself injure my drawing hand. I have never wanted to draw more than right now. I can kinda hold a pen, but after a few minutes I start to feel pain. I watched the Scott Pilgrim anime and felt a lot of my anger in Old Scott. I also wanted to just destroy everything and forget it all. At least his Ramona seemed like she wanted to talk to him, I can't get mine to do that at all.I just don't understand what happened that last carolina tour. we were so happy at the feel real show.

Dec 22 2023.

Hewwo Hewwo. I'm at work :p day before winter break starts. I'm 4 weeks in healing my hand, but set meself back a bit cutting veggies for a potato salad.

I've been thinking a lot about how important it is, especially for creators, to have variety in genre of the media they consume. recently in One Piece, we learned a character, with AGE MORPHINg abilities was not really the age she normally presented as. She was a kid that masquaraded as an adult. I had a brief conversation with G about it. before the flashback in the story where we learn this information, we had a character that had a past with her constantly referring to her as a child. G dismissed this as things old people do, especially if they did know someone when they were a child. I didn't try to contest it, like I would've done before the breakup. I was being dishonest with myself at the time and trying to be his friend so I was being too agreeable.

But. Anyone who's read stories with girls that have magical powers, knows that age morphing to be older is common! Creamy Mami is an obvious one. I think age morphing comes up a lot in magical girls. I think Chibi-Usa does this? Another obvious one is Ran and the Gray World, which was published in a seinen magazine. One that is really popular, but not obvious, is Sophie in Howl's Moving Castle. Sophie is a little different, since she is someone already "grown" but the feelings she has to become older has similar intentions. I think a lot of research can be done into this common trope, how it divides to being about how kids have desire to be older because of freedom or more oppurnities, but then is also for fanservice in some cases. This is a really interesting trope for me, because of the fear I had growing up, but also the excitement I have. I turned 30 a month ago and some of my hair is gray, and a few strands are even jumping to white. I welcome it. Every sign of aging is proof of living for me. But back on topic, I feel like this trope comes off as one of fanservice initially, because its mostly young girls aging up to teens or young adults, but if you grew up femme, you understand the emotion and thought process behind it. I do wanna research this more so I can talk about it more proficently.

Back to talking about the importance of consuming different genres of media. I think a lot about this in regards to G, because most of our relationship was consuming and discussing media. I think a lot about how I was always trying to get him to read different types of manga, shit not just on the JUmp app. I fought tooth and nail to get him to read Witch Hat Atelier. He went and read all of Yu-Gi-Oh instead.... I finally got him to try it when I told him the relationship between Coco and Agott was what NAturo and Sasuke's would've been like if Kishimoto was actually a good character writer. And he liked it! A lot!! I think he liked it more than I do, probably because the art style, page layouts, and story pacing was different from what he normally read, shounen battle manga. I think it's okay to have types of story you specifically like. Honestly, like I said at the front, it probably doesn't matter to non-creative people how different the media they consume is. Non-creative, which I am going to correct to non-storyteller in this instance, Non-storyteller people aren't constantly wanting to critically analyze and think about stories like people who create stories are. A lot of my frustrations is just being that person that thinks more about stories than the people around me, and questioning them why they don't think more about it instead binge read all of the Yugioh manga in 2 weeks.

I may have bounced around a lot. I keep having to get up to load paper into the printer lol. I'm afraid of not having enough paper to finish this job and the courier won't deliver more until the week after I come back to work sooooo.

One last thing, since a motif to today's maddening typing is complaining about G, it always broke my heart he never tried Legend of the Dragoon. I think he played like 5 minutes of it and dropped it. I will admit, revisiting it, it is a slow moving game in terms of the game play. The story is so important to me though!! What it lacks in challenge for being a JRPG it makes up in the STORY! But I painstainkingly tried so many game for him, I just wanted him to give this one a fair shot.

Okay. that's it for now. I bounced from listening to the Aquabats to the Ape Escape soundtrack while typing this, and honestly, similar vibes lol. My hand hurts from typing so I gotta stop for now. Bye <3

Jan 11 2024

Feel Real has a show this Sunday, so I been checking out the other bands playing. The head liner, Cannibal kids, is really good! There is something about their lyrics that feel more emotionally mature? Feel Real's lyrics are really honest, but I think they're more rooted in pesimissm. Whereas Cannibal Kids always have a hopefulness to them, even when the lyrics are meloncholy.

I think Feel Real suffers a bit from being rooted in emo music. There's a childishness to emo music, a resistance to be an adult, but it takes itself way too seriously. I know with Feel Real specifically there's a bit of a pretentiousness to them, though some of that could be from knowing them personally. Sometimes joking with them the jokes don't hit them because it turns out they were full send serious about it. Where Cannibal kids, from their music, there's still playfulness. My favorite song from them is called "Falling in Love at Wii Sports Resort" Like! Goofy as title! The lyrics never mention Wii Sports too. All their songs are love songs, that can be melancholic like I said, and can be remorseful. But the energy is still upbeat.

The songs feel relateable, even if you haven't felt love the same way, because I think the way the love is expressed is how its sort of universally romanticsized. I know listening to a few of their songs, it makes me doubt if I was loved by G. Like the one song he wrote was about how hot I was. I just don't know. As I been going through this week I've been feeling jaded about G again. I kinda reconsiled a few weeks ago, deciding to just go back to ignoring my feelings. We only talk about One Piece which is what I need from him aside from closure. He keeps posting weird horny on main memes to his IG story though, I went and muted him. I don't know what he wants and its also not my problem anymore.

back to Feel Real, I hope they revisit Flutter. Its such a sweet song. Its very different from their other songs, and I think it would be way more popular than what they've done already.

Okay, that's what i got for now V